Thursday, June 30, 2016

believe me, this loneliness won't go away.


Words from Bubbles:

“Don't you ever do something to yourself because I don't want to have that conversation with my kids...that one day you fell down a deep dark hole and you're not coming back because you can't. I won't.

~

New tattoo:

-Bluebells have long been symbolic of humility and gratitude. They are associated with constancy, gratitude and everlasting love. Bluebells are also closely linked to the realm of fairies and are sometimes referred to as “fairy thimbles
-Forget-Me-Not plants symbolises true love; it also relates to good memories, memories that you wouldn’t want to forget
-Bluebells are symbols of humility and constancy

~

Quote from Richard Siken:

“You just can't to prove there was one safe place, just one safe place where you could love him. You have not found that place yet.”

~

Sunday, May 8, 2016

i'm so scared of dying without ever being really seen. can you understand?

Letter from my Dad, Friday 29th April 2016:
Erimentha, my darling girl,
You've asked me to write down my impressions of the conversation that you, Mum and I had in the garden. The most significant thing –  the thing I remember most clearly –  is the distinction you draw between depressed thoughts and suicidal thoughts. In that, you said that one can have suicidal thoughts, but not be depressed.
This reminded me (at the risk of seeming too ‘academic’) of Albert Camus’ essay, ‘An Absurd Reasoning’, wherein he explores the thought of suicide without referring to Depression. I tend to agree with you and Camus, but in saying this, I still think a mystery remains (i.e. why may the undepressed think of suicide?).
In your case, my darling girl, I pray these thoughts remain ‘Thoughts’ only for you because (along with Camus) I think we can live passionately in spite of (or because of?) the thoughts of suicide. Thus, I think the distinction you made in the garden is actually a good sign insofar as it is the sign of an active mind that has engaged with the sadness of the world and still choses to live.
—  Love you, Dad

Saturday, April 16, 2016

i want the routine with you and i want the madness with you. i want all of it with you.

What I didn’t say to Friday in my goodbye card:
Meeting you feels like one of those pivotal moments where everything changed for the better (I am forever greatful for locking myself out that day; and for your home-made dinners, for lifts home, for girls nights out, for gymnastics and swimming lessons, for city days, for walks around Greensy, Christmas celebrations and mulled wine). Thank you
I love your kids like my own and inhaling L’s scent, reading to X, having ‘sleepovers’ in bed, making potions and experiments, answering questions about why cows pollute the earth or being told quite sternly - “I'm not a naughty boy, I made a naughty choice” - are some of my most life giving memories. I feel so honoured to witness the degree of patience, consideration and courage you have in bringing up your children; constantly questioning your actions and beliefs and striving to be better. The world needs more parents like you and I am immensely proud of the humans they are (becoming)
Your family is one of the reasons I wake up in the morning and a strong deterrent to suicide (knowing that I will see you next year, probably at an old English platform with a huge grin and open arms, gives me hope that whatever happens, you'll be waiting on the other side)

Your advice and support has been absolutely invaluable to my recovery, resilience, self worth and development over the past year and a half; there are so many traits of yours that I wish to model and soak up in the hope of being half as amazing, driven and selfless as you

Whenever we'd go to the shops or the park together, I'd secretly hope that we’d be mistaken as a family

Part of me will always love you (saying goodbye to you in one of the hardest things I've ever done)