Saturday, March 31, 2012

happy pills

I had a good night last night. It didn’t change the fact that everything is shit, but somehow it was exactly what I needed; Bon Iver blasted in the car, minimal walking and maximal pizza, someone who understands giving your whole heart away and losing your way. Lately I don’t have hope for things improving. When people tell me; ‘it will be ok’, I just agree and quietly think to myself, ‘what the fuck, do they really believe that shit?’ So it’s nice when I can walk away from an experience and think, ‘look, maybe everything will be ok.’ 
My darling cousin took me out to dinner on Brunswick St and we shared pizza and gelati and she bought me a cider (oh, reb dog!). It might sound kind of lame, but we swung on the swings in a local park for a while and the weather was mild. It was calm and nice. 

A lot of the time I don’t feel myself. My thoughts are either chasing each other like a pack of wolves, round and round, with no sense of logic or pattern. Or they are drifting way above my head so I don’t feel in control. But this night we talked about love and loss, movement and stagnancy, year 12 and freedom and because everything is always ‘lovely’ with Clarice Bean, everything seemed lovely to me too.
It always surprises me when I get to the end of the week and I realise I’ve coped. Fridays are my time to celebrate! I chuck on a pretty outfit and tell the flu to go fuck itself. 
So I guess this is me saying; tomorrow will be better, we will get through this, everything will be ok in the end. And while we wait for that day, I’ll just keep collecting memories to hold in my heart or friends to hold my heart for me. 
E. xxx
PS. “I’m being carried through this. All this pain and despair has made me very, very tired. Although I knew I’m a heavy load, I’ll grant them the burden.” –‘Anna and Francesca’, Melina Marchetta