I don't have depression or any of this dysphoria shit, but sometimes the waves of sadness get so bad I feel like I'm drowning. I feel like crying and I can't concentrate, nothing makes it go away and talking never makes it better. When I am like this, it feels like I will never be happy again. I'm tempted to take some sleeping pills so when I next wake up, it's gone.
I alternate between anxiety, over compensating happiness, contentment and sadness. I don't think I get the normal plain happiness anymore. And thanks to year 12, if I am happy I generally end up studying. Joy.
I'm so sick of this. I'm sick of school and of year 12. I'm so sick of my parents and their attitude to me-- "spoilt, lazy, ungreatful, disengaged." I'm sick of talking and pretending that everything's fine (people have a timeline of grief/breakups, I've passed mine). I'm even sick of myself.
"Oh I wanted you, but your eyes don't shine like they used to."