Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Everyday is like a breakdown; I can't seem to move on.

I just realised how fucking miserable I've been all year. Today Marty reminded me of when I cancelled a Classical Studies seminar because I was "sick". He said it was very suss because I was with Pod and I seemed really excited about it before I met up with her. I remember that day now; I'd forgotten all about it. We spent an hour lying in bed and she refused to leave; I felt defeated and exhausted. Nothing I could do made her happy and I was drowning in my own sadness. And so I walked home instead of getting the train into the city. I walked in the door and my parents said, "you're home early!" and I ignored them and lay on my bed and tried to make the world go away.

The funny thing is: I think of the start of the year in a positive light; that was when I was happy. Evidently not. I am just as fucking miserable, defeated and exhausted now as I was then. The only different is I don't have someone to look after or someone to look after me; there are no 'damn girl you look hot in that bra!'s or 'are you ok? You seem quiet's. Now we've spent the same amount of time together as apart: 4 months. I can't tell what's better, I'm happier around others but sadder alone. I don't catastrophise the present as much as I did, but I worry for the future endlessly. 

She gave my friend Hagrid my favourite pink nail polish a few weeks ago. I'd been asking for it for months. That made me so angry, why couldn't she give it to me herself? She isn't even friends with Hagrid! So I yell at her in my head (because I've stopped writing to her, thinking about all the trauma): GROW UP, TALK TO ME! AT LEAST HAVE THE FUCKING DECENCY TO TALK TO ME, TO RETURN MY STUFF! SAY SOMETHING. DON'T YOU DARE BE BETTER BUT DO NOTHING ABOUT IT, STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT....I don't miss her because I am too mad. She hurt me beyond anything I have ever experienced, why should I miss someone who broke my heart? People keep telling me not to worry, to stress less. It always makes me cry because as Clare Bowditch says, "of course I worry too much, how can I not?". Please don't tell me my worries are irrational; my whole life is cause for worry.

The girl who could recite the 7th Harry Potter movie off by heart is back and the girl who loved her is gone.