Monday, August 20, 2012

I'm not saying we could have worked. I just wanted to let you know that I never meant to let you go.

"My memories have turned into anxieties."Fernando Pessoa  

I hate how I avoid you like I've done something wrong. Up til now, I'd been the mature one...smiling/nodding in corridors, giving your stuff back, giving you a birthday present even though we'd just broken up. I guess we went through an ignoring stage, but that was mutual. Now it's different. I can't be in a position where I have to hold your gaze: I'm scared what I'll see there. How can you go from kissing someone's belly button and being teased with cheeky hands under the dinner table, to nothing at all? We have nothing.
 I'm really sick of feeling so crap. If it's not suffocating sadness, it's tears. If it's not tears, it's my heart running marathons or sitting on the toilet trying not to vom. Knowing that you're getting better is what really hurts. You have a whole team behind you and a family who wants the best for you no matter what. And I know that you deserve to be happy, except my thoughts have become cruel and hurtful so all I can think is: when do I get to be better? 

“I envy you. Every moment. You can leave me. I cannot leave myself.” —Anna Świrszczyńska