Saturday, August 11, 2012

"The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion."

I want control of my body. I want control of my mind. I’m utterly sick of nerve pain, joint pain, chest pain and back pain. As for emotional pain, let’s not go there.
So I walk to school because it’s the only way to force myself out of bed and avoid heart palpitations between the hours of 8—9am. I go to zumba and play netball because it’s the only way to get guilt free happiness (when you’re thrusting to Single Ladies it’s hard to remember that tomorrow will be exactly the same).
I want to be a model, an athlete, a personal trainer—any profession in which my job is to be in control of my body. To look good. Fuck you post viral arthritis, fuck you anxiety, fuck everything that takes away my autonomy!  I’m sick of my mother who counts all the food in the house and year 12 which impacts on my future when I can barely stand the present.
I’m not very positive about any kind of recovery…I just want to walk without my knees aching and spend a whole day without a single “what if?!”. I want to wake up and think: “today is going to be a good day; I can do anything I want.”