Saturday, September 22, 2012

The problem with cognitive distortions is you can’t help but think them.

At the moment I spend quite a lot of time convincing others that I am positive and excited about the future. Adults who are paid to ask ‘how are you?’ seem particularly worried by my lack of motivation. Others simply don’t care. I feel as if I confuse people with my abrupt spurts of energy and equally sudden moods of sadness. I don’t like being around people because I don’t think people like being around me.

I am aware that things will get better next year; I’ll move out and away from my family. I’ll find a house with some nice NAPPs, cook vegetarian food and lie in bed all day watching TV. I might study nursing or occupational therapy at university or alternatively I could start writing, swimming and do a short course to become a zumba instructor.

The only problem is: in all possible outcomes, I can’t see myself happy, calm or pain free. Positivity keeps getting shoved down my throat—“you have to think positive to be positive”, “everything will change next year” and “you can finally escape”. It’s just not true. I can think of a dozen bad things for each good one and it’s hard to believe “things will get better with time”. 

No they fucking won’t. I’ll struggle to pay bills. I’ll lack routine or find routine too stifling and I’ll still have to be present in my family life. I’ll probably replace my current anxieties with a whole bunch of new ones. I won’t have regular contact with friends and organising catch ups will be stressful. I’ll feel depressed as fuck because I don’t have a girlfriend, but at the same time, I’ll avoid dating because I can’t believe anyone would find me attractive. I don’t think I’d be a very emotionally available lover anyway. 

In short, I will finally take control of my life, but to the extreme—I will have to manage every single part of my day down to the cereal, dental floss, water bills and transportation required. And I’m dreading it, absolutely dreading it.

I really, really don’t want to do anything right now except make soup (alone), watch TV (alone) and visit Hope (alone). Every aspect of my day is filled with a loud resounding ‘NO’ and a lot of “planning to panic”. Anxiety stems from the unknown. And I don't know much.

What I do know is that there a many logical arguments against almost everything I've said. It's just; I don't/can't believe them right now. I'm sorry.