Monday, May 6, 2013

I want to sit you down and talk about it.

Coming out of a severe depressive state is an odd experience. The world doesn't become brighter or even more positive; just less physical. Words don't cause instant palpitations or flashes of images like before. I imagined once my sadness lifted, life would look totally different; full of colour, steamers and balloons. Nothing of the sort. 
It's the little things; the weight of getting up in the morning lessens, or my head doesn't pound and crash like a chorus of Sirens. It's worrying that it took several breakdowns and a new type of drug to quell the pain because I can think of no real positive events which could have shifted be perfectly honest, I don't like this new relief because at least when you're drowning, everything is numb.
As the paralytic sense of sadness withdraws, it's hard to believe I ever felt so bad. Anti-depressants known side effect (at least in the first 2 weeks) is an increase in suicidal thoughts/behaviours, but it's not the literal chemicals that make you want to kill yourself. It's because when the edge is taken off; people find they have more energy and motivation in general, and sometimes this channels into finalising the act they were unable to do before.
I can definitely sense the paralysis being lifted; my ability to perceive an event objectively, motivation towards tasks and sleep have all improved. But that doesn't make me more likely to leave (don't you worry your pretty little mind). It's just that it really, really hurts because the scenery's changed, but not the fucking situation. And then I'm back to square one. 
"Nothing changes but the motherfucking date." -Horrorshow

Things that make it worth it:
-Spooning Zhi Hui in M's double bed
-How Maddy D checks to see whether I'm laughing or enjoying music in group situations
-Highly thoughtful emails from Lozza
-Really brilliantly written TV, film and poetry (my goal is find the perfect sum of words for how I'm feeling, rather than my clumsy current attempt)
-Hot chocolate that almost burns your throat as you swallow, but warms your heart when you do (bit concerned by my current need for all food to be boiling hot, even freshly cooked bread/pasta/chips don't satisfy my need for heat)