Saturday, June 8, 2013

everything has changed (this feels like falling in love).

Last night was the Poet was incredible. His kisses make me melt, sleeping next to him is bliss and he calls me beautiful and pretty girl with a lazy hand across my chest. Most importantly, my head is quieter when he's around.

There is a blood stained scratch on my upper thigh, it stared at me this morning from the mirror. I examined it with a shaking finger, before concluding that this was my favourite type of scar. One made from surrender, bravery and love. Inflicted as a reminder of passion.

I forgot to put band aids on my arm last night. He only noticed later in the dark. I'm glad he didn't say anything, or see much because I'm ashamed of my scars and what they represent. I don't think I would have forgotten with anyone else, or felt comfortable discussing the significance of each; he wasn't fooled by my stars for one minute.

He said he doesn't want to be the only thing that makes me happy, I said he isn't. But there is no harm in adding to the list of people to live for (Zhi Hui, Violet Bow, M, Mama Goose, the Cuncas family, Laurel Matilda).

Felicity says that when you get the right drugs, the "narrator" stops. Not an unknown voice that whispers bad things and corrupts your mind, but the constant stream of you. Always certain you've done something wrong, said something wrong; certain that something will go wrong (let's face it, it always does says the narrator even now). 

Felicity says that once you get the drugs right; you can just be. And when I'm with him, it's a similar effect. I just am. And when my mind does race, wander, make me shake or crush my chest like wringing out clothes; he knows. So he repeats the same things over and over in an attempt to quell my trembling heart...

"I'm not going to leave you" , "I care about you, there is a difference between care and concern, you're not my responsibility, but I still want to make you happy" , "If I do nothing but make you smile when you don't want tomorrow, then that's enough for me" , "When I'm with you, I'm closer to the person I want to be" , "I'm not going anywhere, kid".