Wednesday, June 19, 2013

i'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

Moments worth living for:
(moments or objects which make this pain endurable/worth fighting for)
*Soy chai lattes, hot chocolates, really good T2 tea;
all clasped in a steaming cup
*Perfectly executed TV series such as Fringe or New Tricks
*Days at Lentil and the local library where the small level of control I possess over the moment is enough to keep the demons away
*When I am completely content with the company of my wonderful
friends (time with the OC gang or chatting with Zhi Hui and Ellen. Lying on Mama Goose's lap or reading an email from Lozza. The moment just before waking when the Poet gently moves closer, almost like a reflex)

*Sitting in a psych or physiology lecture and thinking: yes, this is so relevant, so intriguing and so logical I could cry. Feeling passionate about study is a very new experience for me
*Walking out of a really hard appointment with DJM or Susie and still maintaining a huge amount of respect for their profession, them as individuals, and how hard they try to lessen my pain
*Observing people buying flowers, beautiful couples who discuss thing's in undertones and new parents who think their kid is cuter than most
*Poetry that speaks some previously unspeakable part of the human condition; pain articulated and eternalised so eloquently in the form of art
*Scrambled eggs, pancakes, berry tarts, shortbread, banana bread...good food cooked or shared with friends and family
*Exceptionally beautiful women (Anna Torv, Miranda Kerr, Carey Mulligan, Kiko Mizuhara, Gemma Ward, Natalie Portman, Natalia Vodianova, Olivia Wilde, Audrey Hepburn)
*Music played so loud you can feel the bass in your chest, and for a second you think it might change the rhythm of your heart beat
(Woke up today not wanting to live. Took 3000mg of paracetamol, 90mg of codeine and 150mg of Effexor to dull the pain. During fits of sleep and wakefulness I watched five episodes of Fringe while my body felt light and disconnected from the surfaces it touched. I know this is not a healthy coping mechanism, but sometimes it's all I've got left. My brain is becoming so strong and so vile that the only answer is to shut down. Please don't let me forget the reasons above...please don't underestimate how hard it is for me to remember the good when I feel so bad. I promise I'm trying)