Monday, July 8, 2013

i might actually feel something if i don't cover it up.

I haven't properly cried in months (sometimes I pretend to sob with the Poet so he thinks I feel something other than this nothingness). Below are objects, situations or actions which elicit some type of emotional response within...
 
Pain:
-Zhi Hui is away for the week and I ache for her; like the body missing a limb or a lost child in the supermarket
-I'm mourning the healthy...it seems no one worth knowing is well (Lis needs spiral surgery for severe arthritis, Nick took valium for his anxiety and considered killing himself earlier this year)
-My dad wants to see me in person and apologise (I'm scared that if he apologises, I will still hurt and feel sad for everything that happened and everything he did...what if nothing changes but an obligation to forgive?)
 
(Irrational) anger:
-My neighbor laughing loudly in his room (it's not fair that he laughs so easily, it's not fair that he probably hates me because of my illness and awkward routines)
-People who tell the bus driver when they want to get off instead of pressing the button or ringing the bell
-Cars that drive through pedestrian crossings while the lights are orange
-Groups of people who walk side by side so they block the path for everyone else
-Customers who talk on the phone while ordering
 
Relief:
-Honey almond muesli with raspberry yogurt and tonic water for breakfast
-Realising that I'm nowhere near ready to say goodbye to my friends (which is different from not wanting to leave, but luckily, these are explicitly linked)
-Rap songs on repeat and the poetry of Anne Sexton (both such inspirations to me)
 

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