Wednesday, July 17, 2013

the hardest kind of love letter.

Dear Zhi Hui,
Please know that despite my planning, sadness, hopelessness and pain this past year: I never once factored you into my leaving. This is because it was far too painful to imagine a world without you ("if you died, I'd"). Please also know that even in the darkest, most irrational and clouded moments, my brain refused to think of you, simply because I know I could leave most, but not you. Please know that however much it hurts to hear me verbalise my pain; I do it with the intention of seeking help, recovery and acknowledgement for my suffering. To me, this is the bravest act of love and the hardest fight, even though sometimes it might seem like the most selfish or hurtful thing I have asked you to endure (especially considering how we fought so hard to keep so don't deserve any more pain). Thank-you for everything. You'll be a god-mother one day, I promise.
All my love,
Eri x
PS. In an alternate universe, I never let you go (and I never want to)