Saturday, August 3, 2013

I paint flowers so they will not die.

The bed itself is an operating table
where my dreams slice me to pieces.
—Anne Sexton
List of things you can't therapy away (Part #3):
*Waking up from a night terrors with hands clutched around your throat (your father was strangling you in your dream) or waking from a sex dream (you were having sex with your boyfriend when suddenly he morphed into your father and then your brother)
*Waking up each morning and absolutely dreading the first person you encounter—your father. Excruciating pain as you are greeted; good morning Erimentha, as eye contact is used like a knife to your stomach, as you learn again and again and again that this person is not safe, this person wants to hurt me, I cannot be my true self around my family because (as it is constantly reinforced to you): you do not have a monopoly on pain
*When you plan to kill yourself—funeral venue, perfectly researched drug combination, refusal rights, saying goodbye—but also try so desperately to cling to life—screaming from the top of metaphorical rooftops that you are not safe, do not trust yourself, are experiencing unbearable psychiatric pain...a single hour of this kind of torment is an hour too long