Thursday, August 1, 2013

i'm tired of feeling like i'm fucking crazy.

 
'No' doesn't mean 'convince me'.
 
Things you can't therapy away (Part #2):
 
Having sex with your boyfriend when you say nostop, enough, this hurts, but he keeps going and says; it’ll stop hurting soon, you’ll enjoy it soon, just relax, holding your arms firmly to stop you pulling away...maybe that’s why there was so much  bloodbut I don’t really care what happens to me anywayI’ll be dead in a monthmaybe I should just submit and let him do what he pleases? But as Richard Siken would say, everything is happening at the end of a very long tunnel, and the condom was filled with your blood, you couldn't sit down for days and you felt guilty for your body's inability to do what he required.
Plead to others that you’re trying so hard to fight this illness and therefore convince yourself that you can choose what happens to you and how you respond to it. It's not rape or sexual assault; it's a messy mix of suicide, desire, sexuality problems and pain. You refuse to be given another name and another badge of trauma. You successfully block that fact that he’s raped before or how he treats your body like a tool for his own pleasure; because you’ve been used this way too many times to be blind to what it means (he probably doesn't even want you).
 

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