Wednesday, September 4, 2013

begin again.

Note: These lists were written a few days ago during a period of hope and moderate energy...I have lost perspective since then, but I've decided to post them all the same

Things I learnt in hospital:
*Unpleasant symptoms/side effects of mental illness are unlikely to be curable or even treatable (eg. joint pain, night twitches, excessive hair loss, stress induced acne, tremor in hands and legs, constricted chest, memory and concentration problems) - it is best to acknowledge their inconvenience and simply let them be

*Once you remove a self inflicted timeline for death (eg. July), time becomes vast. It is not crucial to get a degree, catch up with friends or even make an active positive contribution to the world. Everything will still be there when you are ready- it's about making yourself ready to be there too

*Constructing my own form of family (eg. FNAPPs and fave adults) is not a manifestation of my illness, it's a positive response to my own inadequate familial support...Aileen's family saw her suicide attempts as an expression of her deep pain, a desperate sign that she needed help; her mother, father, twin brothers, older brother, best friend, boss and aunt all visited her in hospital even though she'd purposely tried to leave family would have seen an unsuccessful attempt as something I'd inflicted upon them; further evidence of how I hurt and disappoint others. Perhaps that's why my plans were always all or nothing? There was no room for failure because being in pain only ever caused anger and resentment from those who were supposed to protect me

Things to look forward to:
-Girly PJ/DVD night with Lou (such an unexpected floating angel)
-Phrase of recovery tattoo with Zhi Hui, M and Violet Bow
-My ASOS and UO purchases to arrive; also the non-fiction suicide prevention texts

Activities that seem manageable:
-Picking L & S up from school and chatting with their beautiful mum
-Watching 'The Good Wife' in bed with a hot water bottle and three pillows (one for my head, one for my chest and one between my legs)
-Visiting uni and sitting near the lake with a chai or thickshake