“I am surprised by how much sex I have had in my life that I didn’t want to have. Not exactly what’s considered “real” rape, or “date” rape, although it is a kind of rape of the spirit - a dishonest portrayal or distortion of my own desire in order to appease another person.
I said yes because I felt it was too much trouble to say no. I said yes because I didn’t want to have to defend my “no,” qualify it, justify it - deserve it. I said yes because I thought I was so ugly and fat that I should just take sex every time it was offered, because who knew when it would be offered again. I said yes to partners I never wanted in the first place, because to say no at any point after saying yes for so long would make our entire relationship a lie, so I had to keep saying yes in order to keep the “no” I felt a secret. That is such a messed-up way to live, such an awful way to love.
So these days, I say yes only when I mean yes. It does require some vigilance on my part to make sure I don’t just go on sexual automatic pilot and let people do whatever. It forces me to be really honest with myself and others. It makes me remember that loving myself is also about protecting myself and defending my own borders. I say yes to me.”
Happy developments as of late...
*Haven't felt actively suicidal for just over a month (!!!)
*Applied for a ton of scholarships to attend conferences on a variety of fascinating topics including; schizophrenia and dissociative disorders, borderline personality disorder (BPD), Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and it's origins with BPD (the keynote speaker is Dr. Marsha Linehan; the founder of DBT!!!), alternative therapies for mental health nurses, combating compassion fatigue in health care professionals, positive psychology in the 21st century and how to bring psychology into the forefront of society, and finally, the annual Suicide Prevention conference held in Perth next year.......feels so amazing to have so many fantastic learning opportunities ahead of me!
*Plans for the summer seem to be working out; spending some time in New South Wales with my family, celebrating NYE with Maddy D, welcoming Laurel Matilda home after a year in Europe, spending three days at my favourite national park with Clare M., meeting with Victorian suicide prevention program leaders to discuss making my suicide awareness script into an advertisement/short film (organisation info here and collaborating charity here), as well as funding support groups/information nights for suicide survivors and those left in the wake of it all (aka. the bereaved)
*Have finalised changing my course major from occupational therapy to health promotion and policy development - a tough decision which has taken much thought and complex discussions with uni advisors/friends in health care, but one which I am overall overjoyed with (I finally feel like I've found my “calling” in life...wanky but true)
*Feel very content with the important people in my life, my support network and (perhaps most importantly and worth noting) my family; it is so lovely to watch my friends and family rally around me when times are tough, but even more importantly, for them to continue to be there a few months on when times are still rough, just not as blatantly so. Special thanks to Sab, Laurel Matilda and Magus for their anchoring emails
Mantra of the month: recovery is a process, any where's progress.