Saturday, February 22, 2014

i get lonely almost as quickly as I get sick of people.

“Suicidal feelings are not the same as giving up on life. Suicidal feelings often express a powerful and overwhelming need for a different life. Suicidal feelings can mean, in a desperate and unyielding way, a demand for something new. Listen to someone who is suicidal and you often hear a need for change so important, so indispensable, that they would rather die than go on living without the change. And when the person feels powerless to make that change happen, they become suicidal. Help comes when the person identifies the change they want and starts to believe it can actually happen. Whether it is overcoming an impossible family situation, making a career or study change, standing up to an oppressor, gaining relief from chronic physical pain, igniting creative inspiration, feeling less alone, or beginning to value their self worth, at the root of suicidal feelings is often powerlessness to change your life – not giving up on life itself.” —Nate Mask

Things that hurt the heart:
*I haven't properly spoken to Zhi Hui or Lou since before Christmas - my most intimate relationships have shattered under the weight of mental illness and trauma and it aches with unanswered questions and what if's
*Spending time with Miss Clare over the past few days only emphasised how hard it's going to be to find someone I can live with - she is probably the least anxiety provoking person I know, and yet - I constantly craved space and exhaustion took hold almost immediately
*My medication is being brought down to deal with the (semi-permanent) side-effects it's having on my eyes; paradoxically, my suicidal ideation increases - I am envious of the dead and their perfect peace
*Packing up my clothes, personal bits and bobs and books into boxes with nowhere to move them to - hooray for couch surfing indefinitely
*Seroquel induced sleep is back - my brain can't concentrate on anything longer than 5 minutes or more text heavy than a text message so looks like I'll be listening to Harry Potter audio books for a while yet