Wednesday, April 30, 2014

all i want is the taste that your lips allow.

Last night I was watching a film about two adult sisters who slowly learn to love their lives and heal after their mother's suicide (it's a romantic comedy so IMDb probably wouldn't describe it quite like that but anyway). I didn't know it would effect me as much as it did - I had to stop half way through because I was crying too much. I fell asleep sobbing. It was the first time in god knows how long where I didn't envy the dead - I just mourned the loss for those still living...I remember asking to re-watch it just after my discharge in a sudden burst of nostalgia; I'd forgotten most of the storyline (including the suicide themes) but I clearly remember asking Gem Stone to borrow it for me. Some things take time to process and recover from and I'm so glad I waited. I don't think I would have taken away the same message as I did last night: it is always worse for the living but you will miss out on so much good stuff if you opt out and hurt the people you love the most.

I've been noticing so many small signs of recovery and mental clarity as of late - emails are easier to construct and reply to, I am able to do my own laundry without huge mental effort, I always eat breakfast, I've started taking my natropathic supplements again and I've successfully applied for two volunteer jobs in health care (one at a childcare centre and one at a palliative hospice). Quotes and words about mental illness and suicide don't physically hurt as much, in fact they feel quite blank or absent, similar to readings for uni. I find myself completely committed to the future and living itself; I have been applying for a million and one university scholarship, bursaries and community funding to allow Miss Clare and I to attend the National Suicide Prevention conference in Perth and also to continue supporting myself while studying and not be forced to work more than I am physically able to sustain (fatigue is still a bitch). I feel like I finally have a really solid foundation of friends and supports around me who constantly reaffirm the things I am striving for and actively engage me in their lives.

As much as the absence of my friend Zhi Hui still aches, I feels like it was meant to be - my time with her was up. I must continue to remember these wise words: stay away from people who make you feel like you are hard to love, and continue to accept the small mercies of everyday life such as a lonely umbrella on the train the day I've forgotten to pack mine, a friendly barista from the same part of NSW as my grandparents and all the beautiful people who walk into my life just when I need them (especially Miss Clare, my Danish MI twin, Bubbles, Forerunner, Alaska, Rickman and those who haven't given up on me despite my often self-inflicted social isolation; Magnus, Zabean, Sarpedon, Laurel Matilda and my Sexy Sax Buddy).

Something important to hold onto: “When people come to me saying they want to kill themselves, I tell them, “What’s your rush? You can kill yourself any time you like. So calm down. Suicide is a positive act.” And they do calm down.”I have so much to do before I die - and sometimes it's comforting to know that I could choose when that is - but for now, I don't need a finite plan, date or method. And I am so excited to acknowledge that:
I have so much to live for and far more important things to focus on...