Wednesday, June 18, 2014

i am without peer...i can only extend myself so much.


Note to self #732:
It's no wonder that I don't believe that I'm a worthy person to be around when the people I trusted most with my pain last year have all left...had a huge breakdown in my psychiatrists office today and I don't think he knew what to do or say...I no longer feel blessed or have faith in my journey...everything is in ruins...I liked it more when I believed in my fate...it's Lou's 21st birthday this Friday night and I bought her an expensive gift because I've always bought her thoughtful gifts but it didn't feel the same...something about me causes people to turn their backs...is it my innate ability to overwhelm and disturb or am I just a fleeting human interest story?...do people actually want to be there for me?...Jay is down from NSW and Sab is home from China and I can't face either of them because it's too fucking exhausting just coping with my life right now...see what a hypocrite I am?...do I seem self-centered or a liar?...I feel like both...tomorrow I will sit an exam especially designed to help me pass this semester and I still can't study...all I dream about is Zhi Hui and the dead...Zhi Hui mocks me, leaves me, rejects me, victimises me and yet I still miss her like sleep...the highlight of my week is seeing my therapist because it's only then that I can just sit down for an hour and be myself...if there is such a thing as one solid identity anymore...sorry for the jumbled incoherent mess...too tired to make my shit into something mildly poetic...the truth is, I'd probably leave me too.
Everything is shit except you, love.

1 comment:

Niki said...

“Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water, and everyone you love is made of stardust, and I know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply, and the night sky is no home, and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times that you are down to your last two percent, but nothing is infinite, not even loss.You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day you are going to find yourself again."
-Finn Butler



dreaming is believing