Monday, August 11, 2014

if I could drown in sleep as i drown in fear i would be no longer alive.

Today I found out that my friend from hospital passed away from suicide in May of this year. I emailed to wish him a happy birthday and his mother replied to say that he had unfortunately passed away. I left class and sobbed for an hour or so before returning back and sitting down, feeling blank and brokenhearted. This beautiful girl from my class was kind enough to pat my knee and keep talking about other things to distract me...we ended up swapping numbers and we're going on a date on Friday to get chais. Life has the strangest way of shattering you to pieces and then tossing you a life raft. I will miss my friend and our time together. Forever in my heart.


Message to Peter, dated 16/8/2013:
Missing you already...hope all is well. Everyone on the ward says hi and everyone's acting like I'm grieving (which is slightly true but look sure) x

Diary entry from 30/7/2013:
I went for a walk with another patient called Peter who has schizophrenia. He’s 28 and I get along with him really well...we sort of acknowledge each other and move around each other despite our different moods/states

Diary entry from 5/8/2013:
 When Peter came back from day leave we talked for about 2 hours about BPD and it really helped calm my mind

Diary entry from 16/8/2013:
Peter left today and it was really, really sad. I feel like I've lost a part of myself...he's been a god-send in the past couple of days. On Wednesday when one of my favourite patients Micky was forced to leave I got really upset and he sat with my in my room while I bawled (the staff ignored me and kicked him out of my room because of boundaries #don'tevengetmystarted) and then on Thursday when I pretty much had a panic attack when another patient was breaking down (screaming and sobbing so loudly and painfully), Peter took me to another room and stroked my hair till I calmed down

Message to Peter, 11/8/2014:
I've been missing you for weeks now so it's weird to think of you as actually dead...I'm distraught and sad that you were taken by such an insidious illness as depression and hope you found peace from the pain


You wanted to be cremated so we cremated you and you wanted an adventure
         so I ran          and I knew you wouldn't catch me.
You are a fever I am learning to live with, and everything is happening
         at the wrong end of a very long tunnel.

I woke up in the morning and I didn't want anything, didn't do anything,
         couldn't do it anyway,
just lay there listening to the blood rush through me and it never made
         any sense, anything.

And I can't eat, can't sleep, can't sit still or fix things and I wake up and I
wake up and you're still dead.