Friday, August 8, 2014

if they don't know you as a person, don't take it personally.

Slightly convoluted update for ya'll...

The past few days have been really hard...panic attacks on trains, crying with strangers and just generally feeling like the walking wounded (a lovely term which I use to describe when trauma follows you around like a recently acquired pup).

I feel so muddled with all that is going on...reconnecting with Lemongrass again after 8 months of silence, my sessions with Cameron coming to an abrupt government funded end and the embarrassment of a failed professional image wearing at the seams.

Having said that, I have also taken part in a independent study about the proposed government changes to the Centrelink benefits, been keeping up to date with my uni work (mostly!) and I'm seeing Felly on the weekend which is always a nice break from my screaming brain (things are simple with her, in a good way).

I miss the friends I made at the NSPC and in hospital...I've been having dreams about Peter and my French roommate in hospital and the lovely ladies from WA who helped keep me anchored at the conference. It's good to remember how many beautiful people that I have in my life who I didn't before (I intended to die).

A huge part of me never wants to forgive Zhi Hui for letting go when I needed her the most. A part of me feels that she doesn't deserve the good if she can't handle the bad and that she's selfish and hurtful and mean.

But another part of me feels like I'll never recover if I don't find peace with what happens (even if that still means letting her go). I've forgiven Pod for everything we went through (notice that I don't say, all she put me through?) and now maybe it's time to forgive another friend.

Stay well. x