Monday, August 4, 2014

waiting is painful. forgetting is painful. but not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

“He turned me into an object and I turned him into a god. How sick is that?” —Unknown

Really angry at the moment because I can no longer tell if I am attracted to men or it the trauma getting in the way of my feelings or am I just gay? Sometimes I wish my sexuality was a little more clear cut because at least I could fucking tell the difference between disgust induced by trauma or dislike induced by sexual fact: bisexual women are almost six times more likely than heterosexual women to have seriously considered suicide, and four times more likely than lesbians.
In other news, I cannot even bear to imagine being physically intimate with someone ever again so fuck off Mama Goose who tore me me to shreds for saying I support those who choose not to have sex before marriage - it's often a cultural or religious decision (just like any other decision about someones sexual practices!), based on principles of respect and the idea that sex is not the determining factor behind a commited relationship...all sounds fairly sound to me! So fuck off to the people handing me condoms on Rad Sex Week” and asking me about dildos and a sex workshops and fuck off to all my nightmares involving my brother and dad which now have themes of sexual violence in them too and fuck off anyone who decides to comment on someone else's sexual practices or views on their sexuality or gender identity.
Why do I bother maintaining friendship with people who cause me heartache? Why don't my friends seem willing or able to acknowledge the reality of my assault in person? Why does it seem so easy to yell about gender equality, lecture about the right to walk home alone at night without being attacked or discuss gender pay disparity with such passion, and yet they turn silent when the issue hits too close to home...when the issue affects me? Won't bother saying fuck off to the Poet because it's a given (you misogynistic asshole, I hope you rot in hell).

“If you want to kill somebody, conquer his heart,
 then leave slowly and leave them between death and madness.” —Nizar Qabbani