Sunday, September 7, 2014

i’m in pain because the day is ending and somehow i am never healing.

Questions that keep going around my head (written on 27/8/14):

Was it inevitable that Oliver died? Could we have done anything to prevent it? What does that mean for me? Does it mean any less if there are so few people to grieve for him? Why do I feel so numb inside but speaking his name feels like I've been shot (ie. cue the tears)? What did the coroner rule as the cause of death (I want it officially acknowledged, I want him to be counted as a statistic because I want him to matter)?

What is defined as unacceptable care of a child? Why does biology have a greater weight than evidence of abuse? Would I have developed suicidal ideation if I had been removed from my family in year 12? Why didn't anyone intervene? What about some of the kids I work with, what will be their future?

What is the difference between meddling and meaningful interactions with the people I care about from work and university? How do I negotiate boundaries around care and communication? Will I always be the high functioning, outwardly impressive young women on the verge of a breakdown? Does it matter if I feel a stronger connection with the family currently engaging in a surrogacy pregnancy in Thailand compared with the other twenty-somethings in my actual course?

What does the term high risk mean if I no longer seriously want to end my life in crisis (not many people understand the distinction between wanting everything to stop and actually wanting to die)? How do I express my fluctuating states of mental clarity if people have become immune, uncaring or even disengaged to my response? What happens if I relapse (I don't think I could survive that again)?

What is a worthwhile way to continue my healing besides talk therapy? Should I have been more verbal/persistant in my objection when Cameron ended our therapeutic relationship? Should I engage with new counselling services or will my sessions with Dr. AP be enough?

Is it worth getting an IUD if I'll need to be under anaesthetic for the procedure? Is presumptuous to make decisions to protect my fertility if I'm not actively seeking a relationship and may never have another male partner? How can I genuinely judge whether I like a man if my sympathetic nervous system shouts DANGER, DANGER!!! at every opportunity?