Thursday, September 11, 2014

 people who have monsters recognize each other. they know each other without even saying a word. 

Red flags for wellness, symptoms of puddledom, warning signs of relapse:

-Breakfast is hard to eat (food in general becomes tasteless)
-Mornings take longer (I feel stuck and can't seem to hurry myself up)
-Replying to emails is too overwhelming (the more I get, the worse it feels)
-Struggle to find an activity which I can happily be engaged with for longer than a few minutes (my thoughts jump from one thing to another too quickly to maintain focus, thoughts feel loud and brain noisy)
-Falling behind in uni work (assignments, readings for tutes, group work, motivation towards my degree in general)
-Budgeting goes out the window (susceptible to impulse purchases in an attempt to either treat myself or treat’ myself)
-It becomes more difficult to articulate my feelings via writing (struggle to form coherent sentences or keep track of which issues are actively hurting at any given time, feel like a walking clinical complexity chart)
-Strong urge to confide in anyone who presents themselves (lecturers, strangers, etc) but at the same time, find it much harder to speak with close friends in case I break down and never stop crying
-Feel far more acutely at risk around train stations, bus stops and medication despite being fearful of this pull and fighting against it
-Picking at my skin (scalp and hands) gets worse and more pain orientated
-Friends who get it (Bubbles, Forerunner, Alaska, Toronto, my Danish MI twin, Hamish, etc) become far more important and special to me and crucial lights to hold onto in the darkness
-Friends who distract and elevate me also become crucial to keeping me busy and out of the house (Milko, Zabean, Kit-Kat, Garnet, Lyra, etc)
-Advocacy work becomes harder (I have a report to finish for the National Health and Medical Research Commission review next week which I can't seem to even open without freaking out)
-Increase in coping strategies such as take away soy chais, walking in the sunshine, listening to audiobooks on my laptop, Valium induced REM, OCD routine behaviours, etc
-Vivid dreams which directly relate to my day-to-day experiences (including similar wording, people, places but not necessarily overtly trauma focused)
-I crave family and stability more than ever (and as a consequence, the cognitive distortion people always leave, I'm too much becomes louder and more convincing)