Wednesday, November 26, 2014

i suppose i’ll always be over-vulnerable, slightly paranoid


General life updates (even more):

*Currently doing a sleep study to determine why I'm having consistent problems with fatigue - involves wearing an armband for 1 week to monitor sleep wake cycles, heart rate, perspiration and drowsiness - then doing an overnight in patient study with EEG/ECG monitoring #infinitefun
*AP told me that my depression is in remission and that he doesn't even know if he could fit my presentation on an axis of the DSM - what does that even mean and why does this incredible achievement also feel like a weak reward for reaching the baseline of acceptable distress tolerance?
*Struggling to accept and move on from key friendships from 2013 including the beautiful Lou who visited me every Wednesday in hospital and Zhi Hui who used to listen to hourly run-downs of my day because she genuinely cared - but I know that they were there for a reason and played a vital role in my life - I deserve someone who wants to stick around
*Continuing my journey with healthy eating and body acceptance (seriously considering going vegan, even just at home for now) - surely it's not a coincidence that I was 48kgs in 2011 and wanting the world to implode and now I'm ~60kg and wanting the world to hurry up and keep spinning because there's just so much to do!
*I'm taking this Christmas very seriously in my quest to thank those who matter - it doesn't feel like a goodbye though (and this is a key shift) - AP's receptionists will be getting gluten free, dairy free chocolate biscuits (made from avocado and cacao), the staff at the chemist will receive a bunch of Australian native flowers and a card and I'm planning small but sincere gifts for SCJ, Forerunner, Alaska, Kit-Cat and Magnus
*In the process of putting together letters to 20 organisations, individuals and service providers to request my medical files under the Freedom of Information Act - it's not a coincidence that I want to send 20 letters in my twentieth year and it's exciting to be in control of my own story (thank you Cameron) - I'm hoping to compile these into several art pieces including an installation work and video series - wish I could talk all this stuff through with my old friends but alas...must be content for doing it for me
*My faith has been slowly ripening over time - not ready to identify as Christian or any particular domination quite yet but I have been finding going to church with Miss Clare to be a healing experience and so many things have fallen into place lately - believing in God allows me to say thank you, thank you, thank you, instead of please, please, please - gratitude can only be a good thing right?

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