Thursday, February 26, 2015

your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.

Edited words from an email to my dear Danish friend, Elisabeth:
I have been struggling/avoiding all my uni work and feeling overwhelmed/guilty/anxious/distressed by the mere thought of it for 
almost two weeks now.
I've been struggling with fatigue and waking up in the morning (always a red flag) and just feeling really disheartened at the thought of living with this constant balancing act (external overwardness, socialisation vs. overwhelm, fatigue, exhaustion) for the rest of my life.
So frustrating that one aspect can be flourishing (my internal/self directed learning) and another can be suffering (the more structured formal learning).
I guess I'm just overwhelmed by expectations placed upon me (and by others); studying to find meaningful work vs. continuing to live a busy, sustained, (formal) work free life...being open and accepting of new experiences vs. shutting myself away and engaging with things on a highly selective basis...travelling and experiencing things which I have always wanted to explore vs. financial implications for the future.
I just started art classes (wax sculpture) and come away so inspired and enthused, so ready to learn and open to new ideas. But then of course I collapse on the commute home and feel drained for hours (the pay-off of an emotionally exhausting day?). I'm sick of this trade off and don't think acceptance is enough to make these experiences manageable.
Social outwardness vs. overwhelmed exhaustion = impossible balancing act