Monday, April 13, 2015

suddenly i become filled with a consuming impatience to be gone.

General life update - April 2015:

I feel terribly ashamed and guilty for not being a better friend to people like Laurel Matilda, Violet, Fibby and SCJ. There isn’t an adequate excuse or the right words to express the fatigue and overwhelm I experience or how severely it impacts my days. I'm enjoying uni for the first time ever and recently decided to include anthropology in my degree; so my full qualification will be a Bachelor of Arts, English major and Anthropology Minor. Gaining a formal qualification is important to me (despite the nagging feeling of pulling teeth).

Currently my week consists of various nannying jobs and spending time with small children and their families, catching up for coffee with friends who go to the same uni as me (ease of accessibility I guess) and lying on my bed at home recovering from it all. I have also been prioritising attending Church every Sunday (either with Dot or alone) and some part time advocacy work on my joint HSP blog and sessions with AP.

This leaves little space for my extended network of supports who I deeply admire and enjoy spending time with. I physically don’t have enough room in my brain to keep up to date with everyone whom I love. I feel like I’m being forced to make sacrifices about the depth and type of friendships I have simply because of my overwhelm. My family keeps reminding me to pace myself and I’m worried about the potential of a full blown relapse if I don’t heed their advice. God knows how I would explain a hospitalisation to most of my current supports (Friday, Alps, my housemate Kieran or even my MI twin who’d all be devastated and changed in some way with this knowledge).

Basically, this is crap, it is not fair. And the worst part is that the feeling of overwhelm is so inexplicably linked to my experience of suicidal ideation - almost as if as soon as I become overwhelmed, anxious, exhausted or start feeling low , constricted and grief-stricken, I find myself thinking: ‘What if this feeling lasted forever?’ ‘Is it worth living like this for the rest of my life?’ ‘Is this a reasonable balancing act?’ ‘Am I happy with this quality of life?’ ‘CAN I AFFORD TO GO DOWN THIS RABBIT HOLE?