Saturday, April 11, 2015

you are not a reflection of the people who can't love you.


I should have been there for your 21st.

Your speech was composed from the moment I met you.
 I would have known how many people weren’t standing there with us, how many of your friends who didn’t get to have their birthday or share yours, and I would have acknowledged that. I would have been able to list a thousand precious memories scattered in the burning ash; adventures in Europe together, mix CDs and letter writing whenever we were apart. I would have arrived early to help you prepare, made punch and happily talked to the awkward relatives or guilt trip invites.

I had a dream last night that we were together (reunited?) but you didn’t comment on my sadness - you could feel it in the air but you didn’t say a word. I wanted to reach out and ask a thousand questions but I wasn’t my place anymore; why do dreams like this always feel like nightmares? I miss my beautiful friend circa 2010...it was a horrible, traumatic and painful year but at least we had each other to smash plates, skip school and visit graves.We collected obituaries over chick-flicks and comforted each other with every crisis that arose.

Memories that are haunting me: moments when I needed Zhi Hui more than anyone; year 12 graduation - crying in the corridor with Mama Goose, year 12 ‘celebration day’ - crying in the PE staffroom with Ms. Running and finally, sobbing with Mama Goose in the bushes on year 12 dress-up day while everyone else took photos and danced. But she choose not to be there because she didn’t was to “ruin it for everyone else”.

Conclusion? Emotional distress is inconvenient and isn't authentic unless it relates to tangible events such as death, physical illness or trendy existential crises. Other people’s feelings are always more important than yours. So bottle it up, store it away, put it off and avoid the breakdown. Wait for a convenient moment to fall it pieces (spoiler: there isn’t such a thing). Develop suicidal ideation. Demand a timeline for your breakdown, establish boundaries and rules and for fuck's sake, CAN SOMEONE TAKE MY DISTRESS SERIOUSLY?!

Happy birthday darling, I love you very, very, very, very much.