Tuesday, May 12, 2015

let us be eager to leave what is familiar for what is true.

“Beware the barrenness of a busy life.” ―Socrates

Today I am snuggled on the couch at "home" - Friday, Savi and Belle's home to be exact. I'm listening to the ever beautiful vocals of the Staves. My stomach feels full with fried zucchini and carrot balls and tofu salad.

I've decided to adopt an Alexandra Franzen attitude and ‘cleanse my calender’ - the act of actively analysing your week/month/year ahead and making time for some introspection. After all...

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.―Annie Dillard

The idea is to make a list of commitments and distinguish the emotions given to each. Resentment and resistance are Alexandra's words. When I was doing this exercise, I found it was important to devise a third category called 'reassemble'; it's the act of resenting the consequences of commitments and not the commitments themselves.

Resentment = feeling of heaviness, bitterness, self-directed anger
Resistance = feeling of tension, nervousness, fear of failure
Reassemble = feeling of dread, anticipated helplessness, projected energy loss

List of commitments which make me go 'Ugh! I don't want to do that!':
 -Train journey into the city (50mins+) to meet a friend for coffee before my appointment REASSEMBLE
-Sleep disorders appointment RESISTANCE
-Cooking dinner for my church friends RESISTANCE/REASSEMBLE
-Emailing/phoning Teli RESENTMENT/REASSEMBLE
-Tutorials on Thursday RESENTMENT/RESISTANCE
-Coffee with Violet REASSEMBLE
-First driving lesson with my volunteer instructor RESISTANCE
-Last driving lesson with my paid instructor RESENTMENT
-Moving back to Ruby Creek (both cleaning the house here and moving stuff back across) RESISTANCE
-Movie with Kit-Cat REASSEMBLE
-Reading/reviewing other people's work for my Creative Writing tute RESISTANCE
-Train/bus/tram to and from nannying RESENTMENT/REASSEMBLE

I will attempt to complete Part II soon. I already do a lot of "commitment self harm" - that is, forcing myself to do things because I feel it is my duty, I owe someone, I feel too guilty or even pressured. These all end in some kind of energy payoff down the track. Therefore, it's important to remember...

“We all move uneasily within our restraints.” ―Dr. Kay Redfield Jamison